‘Stoicism for Passionate People’ by Lindsay Varnum

Stoicism for Passionate People’ by Lindsay Varnum

I cry when I’m ecstatically happy. I cry when a friend or family member or sometimes even a stranger cries. I cry when I’m angry or when something’s not fair. I cry at orchestra concerts. I occasionally cry at museums if I’m seeing for the first time a work of art that touches me deeply. I admit to having more than once cried in the middle of sex just because I was having such a good time.

It seems I was always like this. My father’s nickname for me was Little Feist. My constant crying as an infant and violent temper tantrums as a young child were scary and overwhelming for my mother, who just wanted to make it all stop. Luckily for her, my more tranquil and easy-going siblings soon came along, providing her with amiable distraction from her first child’s baffling intensity. If my strong feelings were difficult for my mother to deal with, they were much more so for me. Even as a young child I was able to perceive that I was more sensitive than most people. Unfortunately I only saw the negative aspects of this and how it made me a challenge for my family, teachers, and peers. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I started to see the positive side of being passionate. As a child I didn’t want to be seen as the difficult, oversensitive one and these strong feelings scared me and made me feel out of control. I spent all of my childhood and young adulthood at best trying to hide my emotions and at worst suppressing them entirely.

In my thirties within a short period of time came a series of life changes that made it impossible for me to continue dealing with my feelings in the same way I always had. My father died young and unexpectedly, I experienced a crisis of faith, divorced, left my religious community, and suffered a large financial loss. I wanted to handle all of this with strength and dignity. I kept getting up in the morning and going through the motions of daily life. I could still laugh and give hugs and dance, so I thought I was doing ok. But then I would find myself in public places like the grocery store with tears streaming down my face for no apparent reason. I was not doing ok.

I discovered Stoicism and started practicing it because I wanted to silence the compulsive negative thoughts that were making me feel increasingly worse about myself. That was the emergency situation that had to be handled immediately. Once that was under control and I was feeling less anxious and depressed, I realized that in Stoicism I had found a methodical way to work on character development and living my values again. As a member of a strict religious faith I had been used to studying the scriptures every day and tracking my personal spiritual growth. Studying Stoicism, self-monitoring, and practicing meditation came easily to me after a lifetime of religious practice and helped somewhat fill the void left when I stopped practicing my religion.

I started learning about Stoicism less than six months ago and by no means do I have an extensive grasp of it. However, I can share my experience with Stoic practice and how it has helped me so far. One of the many positive effects Stoicism has had on my life is that it has helped me become an even more passionate person.

I know, that sounds like crazy talk. But before you dismiss this assertion, let me explain the three ways I believe that Stoicism can help the passionate person flourish. In this context I define the “passionate person” as one who is highly sensitive and experiences intense feelings.

1. Practicing Stoicism frees us of fear of our emotions.

Somehow in my childhood I internalized the belief that my emotions were bad and could be inconvenient to the people I cared about or lead to sinful behavior. Because I feared my emotions, I practiced stoicism with a small “s” by hiding or suppressing them. I needed to discard this belief, then replace it with the belief that my emotions are a positive part of who I am as long as they don’t keep me from living my values. Before discovering Stoicism I felt constant guilt and fear about how my emotions could affect others. All of that melted away once I really believed that I am responsible only for what I control, and that does not include other people’s feelings.

Also, I know that through the Stoic practice of creating distance between my feelings and myself I can moderate extreme emotions that could potentially send me out of control. I can nip unwanted anger in the bud and pull myself out of a paralyzing sadness. I can bring down into reality the unrealistic, over-exuberant flashes of “genius” that come to me in moments of outrageous happiness. It’s one thing to wake up one morning and say to yourself, “Ok, from now on, my feelings do not control me, I control them. Ta-da!” and an entirely different thing to actually have a system in place that makes it possible for you to do that. Stoic practice has provided that system for me. Experiencing intense emotions and expressing them with considerably less fear and guilt is new to me, and for now at least, it feels healthy and liberating.

2. Stoicism makes us more spontaneous.

Spontaneous people are easier to trust and more fun to be around than those who are on the more inhibited or calculating side. However, being spontaneous doesn’t come naturally to people who are extremely sensitive because we are constantly trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We tend to be oversensitive to criticism and the opinions of others. When I learned about Stoicism and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the first damaging belief I tackled was this idea I had that other people’s opinions of me were of vital importance. That belief had to go because it was causing me serious harm. There were many people, including most of my friends and family, who were critical of me when I divorced and left my religious community. With effort, I have been able to stop caring so much what others think. I know this is true because now I so seldom wonder what someone’s opinion of me is. As Coco Chanel put it, “I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t think of you at all.” Once you don’t especially care what people think of you, you have removed a large impediment to being spontaneous.

When I stopped practicing religion I began to doubt some of my values and I didn’t always know where I stood. This made me constantly second guess throughout the day everything I thought, said, and did. Now I have a set time every morning to study and ponder the principles I want to live by, as well as inspire myself to live wisely throughout the day. I reserve judgment on how well I’ve done until nighttime when I review the day’s events. This setting aside of specific times for contemplation has effectively eliminated exhausting and pointless rumination from my life. Now I can just spontaneously live! And being more spontaneous makes me live more fully and in the moment, more passionately.

3. Practicing Stoicism helps us to become more humble and teachable.

Identifying too closely with our emotions and taking them too seriously shrinks our world and makes us more likely to be self-absorbed. It can be extra hard for passionate people to not get caught up in our emotions at the expense of other more important things, like cultivating virtue. When our feelings are stronger than other people’s, we can easily develop the mistaken idea that our feelings are more important than other people’s.

Stoicism trains us to become detached observers of our emotions, and the space that is thereby created between our feelings and who we really are is magical. All kinds of marvelous things can happen there. The Stoics want us to use that space to insert reason first and foremost so that we make wiser choices, but we can also bring in a sense of humor toward ourselves, one of the most attractive of qualities. It is that space that allows us to attain the perspective in which we recognize our place in the cosmos. It is in that space that we can become wise, humble, and open to change if we choose to do so.

Maybe at some point in life I will tire of being oversensitive, impulsive, mercurial, intense, and otherwise passionate. For now I would like to see how life plays out when I am the most sincere and transparent version possible of myself. I like to think that I can maintain these qualities I’ve had since childhood and at the same time cultivate virtue; that the one does not preclude the other. I like to believe that passion and eudemonia are not mutually exclusive. I feel like it is too early in my experiment to draw any definite conclusions, but so far, so good.

Lindsay Varnum is a graduate of Brigham Young University. A Maine native, she now lives in southern Spain, where she dances, laughs, and eats a lot. Lindsay blogs at www.philosofina.com

12 thoughts on “‘Stoicism for Passionate People’ by Lindsay Varnum”

  1. Easter overtook my daily practice of Stocisim so I am rather late responding but I empathise with you and the other comments – I see much of myself in your Blog. You have been very blessed with your homes – Maine so very beautiful and Southern Spain but you had the courage to go out there and grab it. Good luck with your progress. I have been following Stoicism for Today for the last 3 years and it is certainly a positive process for me – hard though to change the habits and mindset of a life time so small steps!

  2. I can really identify with your words too and I am all too aware of the courage you needed to find in order to pursue your journey of self discovery. I had a similar experience and was used to hiding behind a persona and keeping up appearances, especially to protect my family. Then sometimes the walls would come down at the most inopportune of times and even a kind word from a stranger could reduce me to feeling like an emotional wreck of melancholia. I’ve been on my Stoic journey for a year and a half, and I now realize how much I had lost my sense of self in my existential crisis. I needed to find it again in order to flourish. Stoicism is perfect for connecting with one’s self. As you rightly identify, the freedom to control our emotions, and change our attitude is truly liberating. Dancing and laughing are my favourite ways to transcend my self. Enjoy them!

    1. Ali, it continues to be challenging for me to balance protecting my family and being true to who I am. There are difficult choices to make when those values come into conflict, so I hear what you’re saying. Thank you for reading and commenting. Good luck on your journey!

  3. Thank you, ciceroantonius. 🙂 I’m glad studying philosophy has made to feel freer, as it has me. And I still have my struggles, too. That’s fine with me, though, because I don’t usually want perfect tranquility. I suppose I’m not the best example of a Stoic! 😉

    1. We can never reach perfection anyway so you’re doing alright. Your story is inspiring. Lastly, on a personal note, my name is Paul A. Antony. I am a researcher in Maryland. So studying science has made me more avid towards philosophy. You’re in a wonderful place to live, dream, and to think about life. Hopefully oneday it would be nice for myself to visit there as well.

      1. What?? I can’t reach perfection!? 😉 My dad always told me I was as close to perfect as was necessary. Ha! You are right about southern Spain being an ideal place for anything, really. I can’t complain. I recommend visiting, yes.

  4. Thank you for sharing this story, and I trust you will go on benefiting from the stoic to approach to feeling. Sometimes we need to separate from and reassemble the way in which we release our feelings, rather than pushing them to one side. We need to learn to accept who we are with all the embarrassing sensitivities and contradictions that we bring to our life’s journey, and then we can move on to the next stage. Accepting what we can and cannot control at any particular time can be very helpful to the healing process, enabling us to free ourselves from the past little by little and reconstruct our lives on a firmer footing without losing our innate sensitivity and spontaneity. Wishing you all the very best.

    1. Susan, I sometimes think it’s the embarrassing sensitivities and contradictions I love the most in my friends and family. It’s taking me some effort to love those things about myself. 🙂 I like what you say about reconstructing “on a firmer footing without losing our innate sensitivity and spontaneity.” It’s a challenge! Thank you for your comments, and I wish you the best, too.

  5. You have a wonderful story that reminds me of myself. Thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts about how you found Stoicism. I am just as passionate about life. The path that led you there is not quite dissimilar to my own. I grew up on a farm in rural Michigan, had a religious crisis many years ago, and started studying Philosphia since 2009. It has been a wonderful awakening. Stoicism just fit and came to me spontaneously after reading, learning, and studying Ancient Greek, Latin, and Ancient Greek Philosophy. Now Lady Philosophia guides me. I do feel freer and less concerned about others and things. However it is still a struggle, especially dealing with others who do not understand or who are religious. Using meditation, I believe will help with this even further. Enjoy Al-Andalus!

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