2021 was a crucial year for me. I was navigating a major professional change in my career after having worked at an organization for sixteen years. That was a big part of my overall twenty-four-year career and the decision to leave was very difficult. I had become a somebody in this world, during this phase and if you are an introvert like me, you’ll will appreciate how daunting it can be to start all over again with building a new network and identity. It doesn’t matter that these are choices you made for the greater good.
Change wasn’t a novel experience for me. I had led change engagements and taught workshops on leading change. Yet, my circumstances gave me a renewed sense of empathy when navigating one so deeply personal.
Change is a complex concept. As much as we’d like to think ‘this time I know what to do’, you will always be a novice at it. This one was particularly challenging for me because there were so many differences I had with the new place – cultural and ideological being the foremost. There are many books that tell you how you should plan your first hundred days at the new place. They never quite prepare you for essentially reinventing yourself and to accept feeling like a gladiator facing an unpredictable beast. I was in an unfamiliar arena trying to prove myself against sharp judgments from up, across and below. In my experience, when I didn’t speak up, they said, ‘Why is she quiet, what even is her value?’ When I spoke, they said ‘Just listen and observe, you’re new here’. Of course, this sounds too generalized when you quote it this way, and they were perhaps meant well too. In truth, the confusion with your identity coupled with self-criticism is an excellent cocktail for mistrust. To compound it all, I too was judging everything and everyone around me.
Looking back, I could have done many things differently, but hindsight is 20/20 and there is nothing I can do now but try to be different in the future. What I didn’t expect, and what still gives me chills was, the toll this experience took on my mental health. The combination of judgments and criticism had me losing complete faith in myself and my ability to be a high performing professional, that I had always been. This, coupled with being in a constant mode of trial and error, with the latter becoming the norm, had a deep impact on my self-confidence and worth. Towards the end of my seven months in the new place, a speaker and master facilitator that could deftly hold the attention of an audience of three hundred, I was stuttering to complete my thoughts, and started feeling like no one cared for a word that came from me. I had lost the ability to trust my own self, let alone people around me. For someone who prided in not having any, I was nothing but a pile of regrets over every small decision I had taken that year.
I have never liked feeling like a victim. Earlier in my life, I had recovered from a massive road accident and went to work with a limp for over three years and still didn’t see myself as one. Here I was now, feeling like a victim, abhorring it and internally screaming for help. Some gentle souls could sense my struggle and offered words of kindness. That made it worse, because it made me feel like I was sinking further into victimhood. I just didn’t know how to channel their support towards rebuilding myself. I realized the only options I could depend on, were discreet ones like employee assistance programs, meditation apps and self-help books. I shudder to think how my parents, in their younger days, navigated situations such as this, when there weren’t social media or search engines. They must have faced social and parental pressures to bury such feelings within, despite the toll it took on them. Looking back, I can clearly relate to some of their struggles and wish I could go back in time and give them the hug they must have really needed.
I started searching for resources in local stores and online libraries, and came across many interesting concepts. I truly gained a sense of appreciation for good content creators and their willingness to share best practices, something the Japanese called ‘Yokoten’. I came upon a YouTube video by Einzelgänger. To-date, it remains one of my favorite channels on the platform. It gives you a broad view of several ideologies, ‘Stoicism’ being amongst the prominent ones.
I had no idea, until then, that there was an ancient Greek philosophy that had made in-depth exploration into the power of the mind and human behaviors. I was familiar with what it meant to be ‘stoic’, as in the cold-reserved demeanor but didn’t know anything about ‘Stoicism’. I don’t know if anyone has ever experienced a moment when you find that one glimmer of hope during the hardest of times. Perhaps the branch I desperately sought at that time.
I grabbed it and started exploring further about Stoicism and a few other themes that Einzelgänger talked about. What resonated most with me about Stoicism was the concept of ‘Acceptance’ and ‘living in the present’. Humans are in fact simple beings if we can let ourselves remain that way. We do however take ourselves on a literal trip of a lifetime, in search for ourselves, when we were actual there, in the present, all along.
“We suffer more in imagination than in reality” – Seneca, Letter 13.4
Hearing this quote of Seneca’s from one of Einzelgänger’s videos, was what I call my accelerator in this journey. I felt chided and liberated at the same time when I heard it. I started telling myself that, every time my mind would swing back to its old ways, it was how I was perceiving things, and it may not be the truth. That often helped me reset and start over. The perception of reality is driven so much by our imaginations, it’s amazing how it can completely shift if you allow it. I don’t wish to understate anyone’s true struggles through these sentiments, but for me at that time, there was so much power in redefining suffering through this lens that it almost gave me superhuman strength to navigate what felt like impossible challenges. To this day, this quote empowers me like nothing else does.
I purchased the book Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, widely considered amongst the best works in Stoicism. I found solace that what I was going through was my ‘human’ journey, something a Roman emperor did too, centuries earlier. A journey of inner conflict. I am by no means of the same stature but to a human, their struggles feel unique, and we often get stuck with the question ‘why me?’ Theoretically you understand that not everyone gets to do and be what they always want. The acceptance of that fact, however, and that responsibilities in life take us on a unique journey of finding oneself, is what differentiates us all. We never always get what we want but we find ourselves where need to be, and funny enough, we are the ones that carved that path for ourselves.
‘Being in the present’ or being in the moment is a powerful concept you will hear in your journey as a Stoic. I am a daydreamer and love my little trips into the fantastical worlds where my mind often takes me. If only I would write these down! The concept of ‘being in the present’ is something that I came across not only in Stoicism but also in Buddhist teachings, Taoism and in just about every meditation technique out there. It’s a powerful lesson in ‘focus’. Whether you are cooking on the stove, working on a computer, walking somewhere or even watching a movie, you want to connect the dots, stay safe and just remember what you did. It’s that simple. Yet for many of us, we let us minds run wild and arrive at conclusions based on rabid imaginations and carried forward perceptions. The mind’s kaleidoscope is quite fascinating if you think about it.
In the past few years of my journey as a Stoic, I am trying to be more self-aware of my ability to stay in the present. It’s been a big step for me to constantly check myself when I stray. I also continue to practice my meditations, listening techniques that help me ‘listen to understand vs respond’ and give the benefit of doubt when I don’t know much about a situation or a person. It gives me a more positive outlook to things and allows me to focus on the present, as much as I can. I am a work in progress yet have already started to a brighter outlook to things.
I have learnt over the years and through experiences such as the one above, that the mind, is a lens through which we see the world. It gives us the power to discern and decide based on how it perceives it. If we take the effort to cleanse our minds using the right education and tools, there is so much good we can do for ourselves and therefore others.
I am a beginner in the Stoicism journey and have a long way to go. A few books that I am reading and treasuring every moment are Beginner’s Guide to Stoicism by Mathew Van Natta, Seneca Stoicism Collection, translated by Aubrey Stewart, Letters from a Stoic, translated by Richard. M. Gummere. I am also learning how to journal, with help from the book Journal like a Stoic by Brittany Polat.
If you have experienced a journey similar to mine, I wish you the best, wholeheartedly, in finding and loving yourself. Amidst the chaos that surrounds us, it is a complex yet rewarding endeavor.
I write this journal with nothing but gratitude and humility. Thank you for reading my story.
